In order to get to this site I usually type my name in the form: perry mcdaid. Whatever slip I made came up with a reflection of what my unconscious thoughts had just been working out in a dream – where I had been masking feelings for another’s sake and they slipped out recently: no central intelligence there, more I am a Rock (which I’m not). It came out as perry mcdicaid . Say no more.
Being terrified because of past traumas only gives the pain control and stunts the life which might be.
Perhaps suicide is just a full stop to the frustration of wrong choices. I can see how that would be – not intentionally selfish … rather the opposite: because if you are fed up with yourself fucking things up, how must others who had invested in you feel?